Tomb It May Concern

R.I.P.

Dawn Allen

Pro-Lifick Riter

Why?

"Why did I not die at birth?

Why did I not perish when I came from the womb?

Why did the knees receive me?

Or why the breasts, that I should nurse?

For now I would have lain still and been quiet,

I would have been asleep;

Then I would have been at rest

With kings and counselors of the earth,

Who built ruins for themselves,

Or with princes who had gold,

Who filled their houses with silver;

Or why was I not hidden like a stillborn child,

Like infants who never saw light?

There the wicked cease from troubling,

And there the weary are at rest.

There the prisoners rest together;

They do not hear the voice of the oppressor.

The small and great are there,

And the servant is free from his master.

Job 3:11-19

The Egg and I

If we are taught that ‘GOD’ is three separate personalities in one; Father, Son and Holy Ghost~then when we finally meet ‘God’ will we see three separate beings, or just one? Will he look like Jesus? What will the Father look like? Or the Holy Ghost? Will we just see them all via our spirit?

I was taught the Trinity was like an egg. Three in one ~ shell, yolk and the slimy part. Is the Father the shell that holds them altogether and the Holy Ghost is the see through stuff? So Jesus is the yolk? Or vice versa?

Was there a hidden message in Matthew 11:30? For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The profundity of God, his inestimable wisdom and the intense power of the scriptures. Who can really say they know the answers?

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; ~ 1Corinthians 1:27

I believe that when the scriptures said that Mary pondered all these things in her heart that she was truly in awe of God’s mighty power and his ability to work through her, a lowly human. I, too, ponder all these things! I write them down and blog them for posterity and hoping others out there in blog-world might wonder the same things and if they have any answers however feeble they might be.

Defining Who I Am?

What defines a person? Their marital, job, or religious status? Who am I? Who will I become after the divorce? Will I still be Dawn Allen? I have no ‘job’ status. I am disabled and unable to work in the real world. I will no longer be a wife. I guess I will always be a mother and grandmother except that they are not daily jobs any more.

I will always be a woman. I will always be a Christian…. I hope. I won’t always be alive, married, divorced or have a dog. I won’t always have happiness though I pray to always seek God’s face and not just his hands. I will not always be an artist. I will not always have a computer or a home. Hopefully, I will always have my music to worship the Lord of my spirit but if not, I will make up melodies in my heart!

What defines me? I am a human with a heart that breaks sorely but can lash out in fear at the same time. I can love and hate in the same breath. Am I a vicious person? Don’t I have the love of God supposedly in me? Yes, supposedly. I believe it is an ongoing process ~ just as it is with you my friend.

Does the fear, or hatred, or pain, or love define me? I would think what defines me would be based on who is doing the defining. If it is you, my reader, I may be defined as a hypocritical, judgmental, religious fool. Forbid. To the politician I am a ‘yea’ or ‘nay’ vote. To the neighbor I walk the dogs for I am a great help. To my husband… my step-kids… my mother…my brother…my son…possibly a curse.

The most important would be who God defines me as. Thankfully, he sees past the shame and pain and guilt and hatred and looks deep into my heart to the tiniest shred of delight in him, alone. He gave his life to redeem us from ourselves. His definition of who we are cannot be measured on human scales. Thankfully.

While being a good Christian, going to church, obeying the rules and loving others as ourselves are noble attributes; God only defines us by our true love and desire for a deep, personally intimate relationship with him.

Whilst I am losing all my worldly attachments, my human definitions and the chaff is being burned, all I have left to define me is my heartfelt love towards a God I cannot see. It is the only definition that will carry me through night and day~ dark and light.

I Cry Day and Night!

Here’s my revelation or epiphany for the day.

Maybe, just maybe, people don’t murder because they are evil. Don’t get me wrong. There is much evil in this world and many a person is completely controlled by its forces. But I am not convinced all murders are done out of an evil heart.

I had a dream last night where I almost killed someone. Was it evil that drove me to the desire? No. It was pure instinct that came out of sheer frustration because… this person was pure evil and was taunting me to a point of breaking.

Out of my frustration I wanted to stop that person from taunting me so horribly. The only thing I could think of was to grab the neck and shake the life out! Make them stop! I stopped when I realized what I was about to do.

I cannot totally blame that person for their viciousness. That is all they were taught. No one taught them basic respect or any solid version of how to really love a person. It is out of their ineptness of emotional fortitude that they are the way they are. It fuels their very existence in place of discovering why love is so vital.

It is sad. No one taught me how to love either. I just desired to grasp it so badly that I gleaned from any of the positive folks in my life. Then I met Jesus.

Am I perfect? Not in any way, shape or form. I just have a stronger desire than most to be in contact with reality and all its truths ~ to a fault and to my detriment a times.

Maybe it would have left the world in a better place if I had strangled that person and put the world out of its misery but alas, all I can do is pray that they will find their purpose in life and seek the one who created them to love.

Why?

"Why did I not die at birth?

Why did I not perish when I came from the womb?

Why did the knees receive me?

Or why the breasts, that I should nurse?

For now I would have lain still and been quiet,

I would have been asleep;

Then I would have been at rest

With kings and counselors of the earth,

Who built ruins for themselves,

Or with princes who had gold,

Who filled their houses with silver;

Or why was I not hidden like a stillborn child,

Like infants who never saw light?

There the wicked cease from troubling,

And there the weary are at rest.

There the prisoners rest together;

They do not hear the voice of the oppressor.

The small and great are there,

And the servant is free from his master.

Job 3:11-19

Oh Lord?

We sing our praise songs with all our hearts! ‘Teach me to love you Lord and not the things of this world!’ Then when he does what we ask, we freak and scream!

‘Lord why is this happening? Don’t you love me? Have mercy!’

We are a pathetic, frail bunch of humans in need of God’s judgment. But more so, his constant abiding love, mercy and abundant grace!